Thoughts of a Reformed Control Freak

Hi, my name is Audria and I'm a control freak.....

If you know me you're probably not surprised. I however had no idea until God showed me. I never wanted to control other people. I never desired to tell others what to do or how to be. So I never considered myself a control freak. I always envisioned people who were bossy and micro managed others as control freaks. But after some healing over the years I discovered I had a deep need to control my environment. I wanted answers, plans, more plans, and back up plans so nothing was ever outside of what I expected. If I could anticipate anything I could most likely avoid getting hurt. That was how I controlled everything, by being what I labeled as prepared.

For a long time I'd say, "I've got this and Gods got me." Which sounds fine. But really what I was saying is, "I'm going to make the plan and God's going to back me up." Yea, that doesn't work so well with God. You see, God only funds His ideas. Not to say that He won't help us in our lives. But if its not His plan, Hes not going to provide the back up. Our ideas might seem right in the moment, but we generally can't grasp the over all picture. And we surely can't predict the future. So what may seem right now, might hurt us later. What might seem just in the moment, could be our down fall in days to come. Only God knows what's going to happen. Only God knows how our present lines up with our future for our benefit. To tell Him to back up my plans was to take the trust out of my relationship with Him and saying I knew better than God.

Well...... crap.

I realized its not me and God in this life. Its God and I. Hes not following my lead. Or at least I shouldn't be expecting Him to. I should be following His lead! I should be letting Him make the plans and provide the answers instead of doing that on my own and thinking He'll just follow me. I'm definitely not God. But for a long time I was attempting to be god of my own little world in hopes I could protect myself. But the truth is, I caused myself even more pain. Turns out I wasn't avoiding a single bit of hurt. I caused damage that could have been avoided if I had stepped aside and let the Lord tell me how to move and what to do. Because let me tell you, all I did was make a huge mess. Who did I think I was anyway?!

In this season I've had to push into God more than ever before in ways I hadn't before. The battles and warfare in this place have been intense and some of it was new to my walk. Ive never seen such intense resistance from the enemy in my life and in the world around me. As I pressed in I found myself discovering things about God I thought I knew but realized I had barely scratched the surface of understanding. Which raised some questions in my heart.... what have I been doing with what I've learned over the last 4 years?

Id read the Bible, but was I believing it? Id hear the voice of God speaking promises, but was I really standing in faith? Id sing worship songs on the stage at church, but was I really surrendering? I have learned so much about Jesus and who He is but was I really living like Him?

My first response was one of fear, a huge no. I beat myself up, got frustrated, and felt like I just failed. But after I took some time to reflect and pray I saw that no wasn't the appropriate answer. The truth is, I was trying. I was trying to change. I was trying to believe. I was trying to have faith and trust. My heart was for the Lord and I was trying. And though I wasn't perfect at it all, I was operating from the level of healing in which I'd gotten to thus far. Which was sufficient for a while. But this season asked more of me. More surrender. More faith. More trust. More healing. More Jesus. And I realized I had to shift from trying to doing. I had to read my word with the eyes of a child and simply believe. I needed to sing my worship songs with an open heart and nothing but love. I had to stop worrying about how God would do what He said and just trust Him with all faith that He would make it happen. Trying was me striving to be perfect in hopes I'd be good enough. But doing was me admitting I wasn't good enough, and that it was ok. But that He is good enough. And that I don't need to control anything. I needed to truly die to myself, surrender, and live for Him.

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Starting that process was hard. God asked me to sacrifice things I didn't want to give up. He asked me to do things that were really difficult and quite honestly scary. I worried He'd ask me to walk away from things and people I was scared to lose. And I was afraid to trust Him with areas I'd been hiding and trying to control in my own power. But I started none the less. Little by little I gave Him more of my heart. Little by little I obeyed. Little by little I gave even what I didn't have. Little by little I started to change. Then came a day I just let go. Full, heart on the floor, take it all, surrender. I couldn't just try anymore. I realized I was fighting so hard to get to a place of rest. And while I thought I was fighting my enemies, what I was really fighting was myself. I didn't need to try. I didn't need to work so hard. I didn't need to fight like that. What I really needed to do was let go of me and grab on to God. Let Him war for me. Let Him change me. Let Him heal me. The rest was there all along but my pride and my stubbornness was in the way. I was in the way.

The bottom line is my faith, trust, and obedience in God couldn't just be pretty words I said or nice things I sang. It couldn’t be words on a page or encouragement for someone else. It could no longer be me asking God to follow me. It was time for action. It was time for me to let all that become my reality instead of something I read about. It was time for me to just let go. I cant stop the hard things happening. I cant change what hurts or fight these enemies. I'm not strong enough. The truth is I'm weak and get weary. But God isn't. God is powerful. He's capable of defeating any adversary. He's in control and way smarter than I am.

So I stopped trying. I let myself become weak. And when I did, I found Him strong. I found rest seeping into my world. I found more of who I'm truly meant to be. And suddenly I understood how absolutely simple all of this is. We say let go and let God. But we don't really do that. We complicate it and put ourselves in the center as if it depends on our power. But the truth is, it's not hard. It really is as simple as letting go and letting God. And in the meantime all we have to do is love Jesus. That really is it. Praise Him. Love Him. And watch Him move our mountains. Being prepared for anything was another way of not letting God have control. And when I shifted my focus to simply having a heart that loves His presence, I found I was more able to face anything that came at me. And I could finally let myself breath again.

So let me reintroduce myself..... Hello my name is Audria. I'm a reformed control freak turned Jesus freak chasing His will over mine. A true new creation of Chrst. A lover of His presence. A daughter of the King. Owned in full by Jesus. It's nice to meet you ♡

2 Samuel 23:31 niv

As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.

Proverbs 3:5-6 niv

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Psalms 18:30 niv

As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.