Soft is the New Strong

I was standing in Target with Michael one day looking at blankets. I loved this one I’d found and was drooling over how soft and pretty it was. He laughed at me and told me what a girl I was being. It wasn’t mean, he just thought it was funny because I’m not always that mega girly. And it was. I looked at him in that moment though and didn’t feel like laughing. I suddenly felt so much shame for it. I wanted to recoil and get tougher. I wanted to make myself seem less girly any way I could. So instead of laughing I started to cry. I was indeed being super girly. And I realized just how much I’ve fought that side of myself. I saw that I often don’t woo over soft blankets or pretty flowers because it was SO girly to do so. Being that soft was scary. It sounds silly, but I had spent so many years trying to be tough that I sometimes felt shame when I’d act in a really feminine way. Even something as stupid as drooling over a soft comfy blanket. God has done so much work in me to bring me back to the femininity He designed for me, for all of us women. But recently I’ve been seeing new layers of vulnerability coming to light. This was one of those moments. I looked at Michael with tears running down my face and told him the truth. (Something I normally wouldn’t have done in such a moment because that layer of vulnerability was too much.) I told him that I felt shame and that I was terrified that if I was too girly he wouldn’t find me relatable. That he wouldn’t want to be my best friend anymore. In that second I realized I was scared he’d only want the romantic relationship part or only find me useful in that way and wouldn’t want to be my friend too. Which was something I really love about our relationship, our friendship. I stood there crying feeling really stupid for everything I was experiencing. And for crying about it. Like, how could I get any more girly? Crying over being girly was a really good start to ultra girly mode. But I was also relived that I said something. That I allowed myself to be that vulnerable and real. I was looking at the truth of why I sometimes shun the feminine side of myself. And not only looking at it, sharing those deep feelings and wounds with my person. That was a big deal.

Like a true kingdom man his response was one of compassion and so much love. He told me he loved that I was girly and that I was made that way. He said he would always want to be my friend to. Not because I was relatable to him as a man, but because of who I am as a woman. Gushy blanket lover and all. He said I’m still the girl ready for adventures and fun, only I’ll likely be doing it dressed up in pink and he loves that about me. Me being girly, didn’t make me less relatable. And me being tough didn’t make me more relatable.

Wow.

Something changed in me that day. Like I said, God has been working with me for years on restoring my idea of being a woman. He has done so much in me to soften my edges and take me back to the original design He had in mind for my femininity. The world, and walking in it, had made me so hard, so cold. But He had chiseled away the sharp edges and recreated so much of the gentle woman I was made to be. So, this lesson was an unexpected one. I hadn’t realized there was still work to be done. Which I should have. I see that now. But when you’ve had such a crazy transformation, it’s sometimes difficult to see there is more. But there was. And I’m sure there still is. That day I saw a reason for some of the hardness that remained. I wanted to be relatable to men. My man in particular. I wanted him to like me, want to hang out with me, and want to do things with me that we both loved. In my mind if I was less girly about it, he would want me more. But what I failed to realize was that God made me girly. He made me soft and gushy. And He made my man (all men) to enjoy that. Michael didn’t want me to be like a man. He didn’t want me to be like him. He wants me to be like me. Soft, gentle, compassionate, and a girly girl who loves soft pretty blankets. He was wired to find that attractive. He was made to be drawn to that and want to be around that. It brings out things in him that he was made to be and walk in. It didn’t mean I wasn’t fun or that our adventures together would be less enjoyable. I’m still the woman that will get in the mud and be ok with getting dirty. I’m still the woman that loves to hike and scuba dive in murky waters. I’m still the woman that is ok with working on a car or a boat and getting greasy. I still like those things and being soft doesn’t detract from that. In fact, it makes it more. Because this soft woman will get dirty and giggle about it while flossing some pink nails and glitter. That’s who I am. And that’s the woman he loves. The girly one that woos over blankets and gushes over pretty flowers. I get to be soft and vulnerable and he gets to be the man.

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In our culture we don’t let women be women anymore. I can’t tell you how many times I was told to toughen up or “get some balls”. It was shameful to be soft and scary at that. If I was soft, I could get hurt. If I was vulnerable someone could see the raw parts of me and destroy me. I had to learn to stand on my own and the whole “I don’t need no man” attitude was normal. But it turns out, I do need a man. I am meant to be soft. The raw, vulnerable parts of me are meant to be seen. And the man in my life is meant to be a shield for that softness. He is meant to be empowered by Christ to keep those parts of me gentle. To allow me to be feminine and safe walking in it. To let my inner little girl, the one who loves all the glitter and giggles at butterflies, shine in the dark scary world.

It doesn’t mean I can’t get injured in the process of showing that part of me. My man can only do so much to keep me safe there. But when we have Jesus, we always have a healer. So instead of hiding those parts and self protecting, I realized I’m actually free to show them all. I can, and should, remain soft because it’s who I am. And if (or when I should say) someone hurts me, I can run to Jesus instead of hiding them away. I can find a soft place to land in my man. I’m meant to give away the compassion and gentleness freely knowing that Jesus will protect me. I don’t have to hide. I don’t have to be hard. Especially not for my man to find me relatable.

And what’s more is that as I embrace this ultra gentle side of myself, I’m finding my relationship with Michael is growing deeper. I’m allowing him to see things I’ve never shown anyone else. I’m letting him in to the parts of my heart that are tender from never seeing the light of day. And where I expected to get hurt (by no fault of his own), I am instead being held in the most beautiful way with the most compassionate of hands. By allowing myself to be even more of the feminine woman I was made to be, he is able to embrace even more of the masculinity he was made to walk in. He is being given an unspoken permission to lead, protect, and provide in greater ways. As I become more of myself, he is in return, becoming more of himself. Our true selves united with God in the most beautiful, authentic way. It’s a byproduct of my healing I didn’t see coming. I didn’t think about the fact that as I changed (for the better) so would he. That finding more of my identity would cause him to find more of his. And as we did this healing together, our relationship is growing and became deeper.

Being this soft is still a bit intimidating. I’m not used to others seeing these raw places of my heart. But I’m loving outcome. The transformation as I lay down my weapons of the world and pick up more of the weapons of my femininity. There’s more power in this. There’s a deeper, greater connection to Jesus. I’m more like myself and the woman my man needs me to be. Gentle in spirit. Softer in heart. More kind, more loving, walking in greater grace for him and others. There’s more wisdom here and an authority I didn’t know I had. I love the woman I’m becoming. And I’m loving sharing her with Michael and those around me. Being soft might have been terrifying at one time. But its becoming less and less scary and more empowering. So much is changing and I’m truly grateful for the lesson. All the glory to God!

1 Peter 3:4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

Proverbs 31:26 she opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue

1 Corinthians 11:8,9 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.