Dying For The Promise

I came to my promise land bleeding. There were so many cuts and bruises from the season of wilderness that it felt as though I’d dragged my broken body across the threshold with nothing but a trail of blood and a lot of Jesus. The truth is, He carried me into it because I couldn’t walk on my own. The years leading up to my breakthrough were some of the hardest years of my life, filled with so much hurt. Betrayal, control, manipulation, deep hurt from those that I loved, and so much disappointment had left me nearly a husk of a woman. I felt so numb as I took hold of my promise, knuckles bleeding, that I could barely feel it in my fingers. It didn’t seem real. And it took me many months of licking my wounds to realize just how far Jesus had taken me. It took a while for me to see the sovereignty of God leading up to the fulfillment of all He’d promised. The road to get here was an ascension up the steepest mountain that required me to drop my baggage and surrender to the weight of what was ahead. The height restricted my oxygen leaving me totally dependent on God to breath every breath I took. Without leaning on Him fully, I wouldn’t have survived. I had to leave myself behind and emerge new.

I thought that crossing into my new land was the end of the battle. But then I remembered the Exodus. I remembered the tribe coming into their promise land, weary and tired, looking out to see giants that needed to be slain. The work wasn’t done for them just because they’d arrived. And just like they had to fight to take their territory, I also had wars to win. But, God in all His goodness gave me rest. A time to take census of my heart and spirit. To heal wounds, sew up the gashes, and stop the bleeding. He gave me a chance to breathe the new air, unhindered, and without battle.

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In that time of healing I could feel myself defrosting. The numbness wearing off left me tempted to run. I wanted to curl up and forget how to feel. All of the emotions flooded me at once and seemed like an ocean wave that I couldn’t escape. It crashed over me, wave after wave, relentless and encompassing. I knew running wasn’t an option. So instead I chose to look at who was with me. To see the angel army at my back and remember who God made me to be. Standing to my feet to resume war hasn’t been easy. I’m still frail and weak from previous battles. Wounds may be healed, but the scars are still fading and I have to remind myself to see them with grace.

It’s been a year since we came into our new location. A year of new things, many battles, and countless moments of  healing. Despite the pain of the journey here, the fruit was abundant and visible. I knew God brought me through for a reason. And even though it hurt, a lot, I made it here with increased knowledge, faith, and so many lessons learned. It was only a matter of time before God began to show me why I came and why the journey was so hard. As my heart has defrosted and the feelings have flooded in, I’ve begun to dream again. I’ve stopped being so afraid of what could happen and started to get excited about the prospects of what God could do next. The giants are falling all around me because of simple obedience and a little bit of faith.

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So what have I learned over the last couple years of silence? Well, that’s far too much to speak of here. But something I can tell you is that the sovereignty of God is a hard thing to grasp. It’s so far beyond our understanding and scope of expectation. In the moment, things God asks of us don’t always make sense. And it may never make sense. But sometimes He’s kind enough to show you how the pieces come together. After everything it took to get here to my ancestral promise land, I am finally seeing how it all worked. And while I can’t say I understand it completely, I can most definitely see the hand of God in every single move and every moment of suffering. It truly was all for my good. He had a plan and all I had to do was surrender. Sometimes easier said than done. Surrender didn't come until my death was final. Until I'd had enough of doing things my way and was completely sick of my own plans. Surrender was the moment I died. But once I did, my faith grew by leaps and bounds because I watched Him do the impossible. And because He was faithful to the words He spoke into my spirit so long ago, I learned that my faith doesn’t make God do anything. I’d like to tell you that I waited for the fulfillment with patience, grace, and an abundance of trust. But the truth is that I failed in that a lot. I complained and cried. I doubted and struggled. Like I said in the beginning, I came into the promise a broken, bleeding, numb mess. But my little faith, or sometimes lack there of, didn’t stop God from doing what He said He would. It didn’t keep Him from moving. I think sometimes as Christians we get the idea that if we don’t have enough faith God isn’t going to do things. But that’s not an idea we get from Him. Our faith in His promises isn’t about Him being able, it’s about us being able to continue on with hope. Faith helps us endure the struggles through the wilderness on the way to the promises. Faith is about our hearts. God doesn’t need it for Himself, He wants it for us and our well being. I gained a new understanding of how holding on to faith gives me hope and increases my trust in God.

When I came back to God 7 years ago, He taught me just how good He is at healing what the enemy broke. How capable He is to give the lost freedom and deliver us from our bondage. But, now as a more mature believer I’m gaining a new understanding of how God works in healing what hurts from saying yes to Him. Surrendering, giving Him my yes, cost me. It was painful and at times heart wrenching. I had to let so many parts of myself die in order to walk out what He asked of me. I can be poetic about it and tell you how worth it that was, and of course it was indeed worth it. But the fact of the matter is, dying isn’t fun. It’s sometimes traumatic and overwhelming.  The cost is astronomical and heavy causing a different kind of damage. I’m human after all so handing that with grace isn’t something I knew how to do. God in His goodness is gently rubbing oil on those wounds. Defrosting the heart that was tempted to stay solid ice. And wiping away the hurts as if they never came. The scars are fading but the lessons are lingering. A permanent reminder of His goodness that fades the painful bits like the sweetest wine. Healing from this is different because it’s a hurt He asked me to endure. It’s a sacrifice He is rewarding. Blessed are those that suffer in the name of the Lord right? Well, it turns out that’s true. God rewards those that obey and heals those that suffer for Him. His goodness is beyond our scope of understanding.

So time is marching on in this new land. The fruit is juicy and ripe for the taking. God has been faithful in restoring all that’s been broken and lost while I wondered the wilderness. And He’s been giving me double portions in so many areas. The interesting thing is, that as I’ve healed and allowed myself to become human again, the blessings aren’t a fight to obtain. God has been opening doors for me that no man can open (Revelation 3:7). I haven’t had to force my way into being heard or seen in this new place. As a matter of fact, I’ve stayed quiet and let God lead me into the rooms of those that needed to know my name. He’s given me my voice back without me having to try. All of the things I knew He put on my heart long ago, are coming to pass now. So, my biggest lesson in all of this has been that when it’s God’s timing, nothing can stop it and nothing can force it to come faster. It all happens as it’s supposed to and when it’s supposed to. He needed me to heal, learn, grow, and become wiser in His kingdom before He could give me what He promised. And all of that is for my good and the good of others. His timeline made room for me to become the woman I needed to be in order to carry what He had for me. Giving it to me sooner would have destroyed me. So while I thought that the wilderness was a crushing of all that I am, it turns out it was a crushing of all that I was, so I could become this. A woman covered in His oil, smelling like Him; the woman with the alabaster box. Sold out and completely dependent on every breath God chooses to breath on me. I’m nothing without that. And that was the point. When you’re sold out, completely ruined for anything else, dead to yourself, He gets all the glory. When all you have left is the sound of His voice and His very heartbeat for your life, you become changed and marked in a way that moves mountains. When I had nothing, He became everything. And everything He remains.

Hebrews 3:4 For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.

Psalms 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.