Sovereignty and Suffering

The sovereignty of God is something I feel as though I’ve overlooked in my Christian life. It’s something I hear and know about, but never really understood the impact of, the gravity of its meaning. When all I’ve walked through this year seemed like destruction and mayhem, I found myself face to face with the ultimate questions about faith. Things have come that I didn’t expect. Trials have crashed into my life that I didn’t know how to handle. And if I’m honest, it broke me down to the bare bones of what I believe and forced me to face some hard truths about my own heart. That’s a difficult place to be and I’ll be real, I had a hard time with it for a while. To be surrounded by so much darkness and then feel as though your own heart is being ripped out..... well, that sucked.

I was forced into a position where I had to make a choice; change and heal, or go numb and keep fighting it. One option would lead me closer to God, free me, and make me better. But the other option seemed easier because its what I’ve always done. Now, I don’t know about you, but I always want freedom. I always want healing. And I definitely want closeness to God. So, despite my fear and anxiety about looking at what hurt me, I chose to change and heal. God put one thing after another in front of me to look at and let go of. It was a painful process of pruning that drained me of myself, but filled me with more Jesus.

There came a point where I kept asking why it had to hurt so much. I went through the religious thoughts of feeling like I was doing something wrong or that I had missed something. You know, the whole works thing religion likes to put on us. I also did the worldly why me, thing. But after some time I had this realization that my suffering is what made me most like Jesus. And that in Gods sovereign nature, He knew that I needed to be completely broken in order to actually change. I tend to learn the hard way. And I have a tendency to be stubborn. So for me, I needed to be broken. I needed to be desperate so I’d submit to the lessons. It hurt. And it was hard. But in that pain, God brought joy and peace when I finally let go. I had to become a small woman in the dirt, humbled and in need of my God. It shed me of idols, addictions, and impure desires. It changed me. And that’s where the understanding of His sovereignty hit me. He knows what He’s doing in ways I can’t even begin to understand. And He really is in control.

So much freedom came from knowing that. Really, really knowing that.

God knows that our suffering is painful. He knows better than we give Him credit for. He became a man, walked this earth, was beaten, ridiculed, mocked, hated, and inevitably killed. He experienced first hand how cruel this world is and knows exactly what it feels like to suffer. To weep with a broken heart. Or to mourn a friend. We say these things, but we don’t often take the time to reflect on how horrible these things He went through were. If we stop and really think about it, we will see that He suffered more than we ever do. And if we have any hope of becoming like Him, we’re going to have to suffer too. It’s the process that truly changes us. Pain is inevitable and it’s necessary. And when we understand that the nature of pain is meant for growth, and that God has purpose for it, we can rejoice in our trials. Understanding that God is truly in control makes it easier for us to look outside of what hurts and realize that there truly is a plan for our improvement and blessing.

So, I let go of the why me and the anger that initially showed up. I let go of trying to control what was happening. And I let myself submit to the struggle. When I finally calmed down enough to really hear what God was speaking it surprised me. I had so many questions. So many things I felt needed immediate attention. But all God wanted me to do was give Him my attention. He asked over and over if He was still enough for me. And for so long my answer was honestly no. (Which, in retrospect, breaks my heart because He is enough.) I tried to cover up my no with more religious stuff.... you’re enough but..... i love you but..... what my heart was really saying was no. Even if I didn’t have the courage to speak that out loud. When I stopped focusing on what hurt and drew my face to His I saw just how very much enough He is. Even if these troubles never stopped, He is enough. Even if I never get what I’m praying for, He is enough. Even if I stay a little woman in the dirt, He is enough. But in order for me to really see just how enough He is, I needed to suffer. I needed to lose things and people. I needed to come to a place where He was all I had so that when He brings me more, He’ll know that He is still enough for me.

I found peace in making God my only. In suffering, in trials, in joy, in pleasure. He is the only thing I truly need. I found peace in the knowledge that He runs this ship, not me. And I found peace in finally really letting Him have His way. I can’t be sure of what’s coming or if I’ll suffer more. But what I can be sure of, is that His plan will bring Him glory. That His ways will make me better and more like Jesus. And that inevitably God restores what the enemy steals. I don’t know what that looks like. And i don’t know when that’s coming. But I choose trust and faith over fear. That’s my part in helping His plans. And because of that, because He is sovereign, and enough, everything will always be ok. And that’s good enough for this little woman in the dirt.