Feelings and Faith

I think sometimes we avoid our human emotions like they're somehow ungodly. Like if we have Jesus we can't possibly feel anything negative or bad. I remember when I was learning this walk with the Lord, I felt like everyone around me seemed to be so ok all the time. I, on the other hand, was struggling at moments to keep it together. I felt like something was wrong with me. Like I'd missed something or didn't have some key I needed to avoid the hard stuff.

That was until I realized it wasn't that they weren't struggling, its that they weren't talking about it. I'm sure there's a number of reasons for it. But something I've definitely noticed is that it seems to make Christians feel shame when they're experiencing negative emotions. I think often the enemy comes to tell us that because we're not full of joy in those moments that we're broken or missed God. But I dont believe that. Can our enemy influence negative emotions that aren't valid? Yes. Can he manipulate us to make things worse than they are? Yes. Emotions can lie to us. But our emotions, even the bad ones, aren't a negative, a deficit, or a lack of Jesus. They're actually from God. He made us with emotions. They're meant to help us experience this world in profound ways. They warn us when something is off. They give us depth. They show us beauty in the world. They help us connect with others and give us perspective. Our emotions are a gift. Yes, even the not so happy ones. And they are what make us human.

---

The last couple weeks God asked me to lay things on the alter that were hard to give up. I had held so tightly to them, hoping for them with so much of my heart. Handing them over, even to a trustworthy and loving God, was difficult. They were some of the very promises He had given me. And while I understand why He asked for them, that didn't make it easier. I wanted to cling to them and call it standing in faith. When really the faith was in letting them go. What God told me was something I didnt like. He had a part of a plan for me that I'm not fond of at all. Its not what I wanted. Its not at all what I thought it would be. I was standing for things I know He said with great expectancy. I know it was Him. He was so clear. But something felt off. I didn't understand for the longest time until I realized my timing was off. He did say it. But I assumed when. And what came before it, wasn't what I wanted. So I had to lay them down. I had to trust Him. And I needed to make Him more important than the promises.

So I did. But my heart felt broken. While I was willing to obey and give over what God asked of me, lay it on the alter, it hurt so badly. I grieved the promise. I wept over letting them go and giving up my ideas. It hurt so much. At first I was bothered by this. I expected more of myself and wasn't showing myself much grace. I thought I'd be stronger in this moment of faith and wanted to be brave. But was it really so bad that I was experiencing these feelings? Was I wrong for feeling my God given, human emotions?

I thought of Abraham laying Issac on the alter. I wondered as he walked his only son up the mountain, the very thing that would bring about his destiny, if he wept. I wondered if he mourned the impending death of his long awaited child. His faith to obey God was obvious and what we focus on. But I wondered if he was afraid. Did he cry for his son and wonder how God was going to keep His word once his son was gone? I mean, he was a human just like me. He was a father and husband with very real emotions. Id dare to bet he did cry. That he mourned his son even though he was willing to sacrifice him in faith. And as he walked along side of him, knowing what was coming, I bet his heart broke. How could it not?

What I realized was its ok to be sad things weren't going to work as I thought. It was ok to grieve what felt like a loss. I am allowed to feel disappointed by the "change in plans". When God asked me to give Him the promises, I did. And that was indeed brave. My hurt wasn't an indication that something was wrong with me. It was my human experience in life manifesting in a real way. God wasn't disappointed in my heart ache. Just like He wasn't disappointed in Abraham. As a matter of fact, I'm sure He cried with me knowing how hard it was. I'm sure He expected me to cry over it! And all of that is ok.

It took me a while to settle into the new plan. And if I'm honest it still feels disappointing and hard. I'm working through that with God. But my disappointment isn't in God. Its not a lack of faith. I know, with all my heart, that God's plan is far better than anything I could dream up. But obedience means I wait longer. It means I have to trust where its hard and scary. Its going to require more bravery. And in my transparency I can say I am disappointed. But this time isn't wasted. Nothing with God is. This time has purpose and value. In this moment, it's accepting my human emotions are ok and I am not lacking because of them. That in its self is a good lesson in abandoning the idea of perfectionism and being real in a new way. Its teaching me self grace and that my heart, while hurting, hasn't strayed from God just because of feelings. And its showing me just how strong my God is in my weakness. His glory will shine brighter because of my humanness. And I think He likes it that way. So I'm holding my promises with open hands. Giving them freely even when it hurts. I'm allowing myself to feel what I need to, trusting Him completely, and staying hopeful. He's setting me up for something miraculous. And that's worth it. His glory, His presence, His plan..... is worth it. I can't wait to see what He does!