Shadows aren’t always dark

This is the hardest season of my life. My days feel endless and empty. And ill be honest it’s partly because of this place of uncertainty. I want so badly to hope for a future and to dream up what it’ll look like. But the truth is, I’m far to scared to dream. It’s not like me to avoid places of hope and silver lining. I’m usually so full of hope it would almost make you sick. But everything around me seems so dim and futile that looking ahead feels dreadful and terrifying. Ive tried to put on a brave face. I really have. I have attempted to fake my way into feeling better. But that doesn’t work. I knew that. But i tried anyway. Isn’t that just like us humans, to try again and again what we know won’t work?

It’s not just the pandemic, the endless stress, the kids, or the world falling apart. It’s the fact that i’ve never been so unsure of what’s coming. Ive never been so helpless to determine an outcome. I have no control. No power here. All i can do is wait. For people. For things. For change. All i can do is stand by and watch. I feel helpless and weak. Faking a smile does me no good when i want to cry all the time. It’s endless, the anxiety. I’d be lying if i said i didn’t know what i want. But those answers feel unobtainable. They’re not something i can manifest or even reach for. So i wait. And i hang on to the small sliver of hope i have to grip. Ive squeezed it so tightly I think I’ve damn near killed it. It seems to slip from my grasp so often despite my best efforts to hold on. Hope isn’t feeling kind at the moment. Hope feels like the friend that betrayed you. That took your vulnerabilities and slapped you in the face with them. Why must hope feel so elusive in the darkness? Why does it seem to lose its shine when the shadows come? Ive never understood how it could slip away so effortlessly and yet it takes so much of our strength to find it in the first place. Is there a light coming? Or one i can’t see? I know God is my hope. I know He holds the candle i so desperately need. The light I search for. But I can’t seem to find it. I can’t seem to hold on to it. Why? Why are my answers, this peace i need so badly, why is it so far out of reach? What am i not looking at, not learning?

If i were wise, I’d ignore all of this. I’d ignore the needs that are so frequently disregard. I’d let the lies roll right off my shoulders and land in the dirt where they belong. But that seems and feels impossible here. Futile even. Where did my wisdom go? All that i learned from my walk was supposed to train me for this moment. And yet i seem to have some battle amnesia. I have forgotten how to fight and how to win this war. Why are the voices of lies so loud? They’re screaming in my ear drowning out the voice of God.

I know a lot of us feel this way. And while we can’t always just snap our fingers and make it stop, there is never a moment we’re without hope. Even when it feels that way. One of my favorite things in the Bible is Psalms 91. I love how intensely it describes how God fights for us. How beautifully it lays out the protection God provides for us. The first verse in the psalm says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the most high will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” It’s something we read and it sounds pretty but there’s so much more to that than just something nice to say. Think about it. When you’re in a shadow, its because something bigger than you is making a dark spot. It’s blocking out the sun and creating a space thats dim, cool, and void of most light. When we abide in God, accept or act in accordance with Him, we are in His shadow. The shadow is dark. We cannot see what’s around or feel the warmth of the sun. It’s cooler in that shadow, cold sometimes. And it would seem that in that dark space we’ve been abandoned. But to be in His shadow is to be as close to Him as possible. Being in His shadow means He is so close we cannot see Him, but He’s right next to us, towering over us and all thats in our lives. So maybe we cant see in the dark. Maybe the shadows feel cold and lifeless. But really, its Gods closeness. There’s rest there and an abundance of hope if we’re willing to look at it with the right mindset.

Maybe the world feels dark to you like it does me. Maybe you’re stressed, full of anxiety, and struggling. Honey, we all are. You’re not alone. But if you take a deep breath and let yourself you can feel the closeness of God. The shadow becomes less cold and uncomfortable. And instead becomes a cool place to rest on a hot day. It becomes refreshing. If you take the time to listen, God will speak in that place. His voice may be only a whisper, but if we open our ears to what He’s saying instead of paying attention to the struggle, His voice will get louder to our minds. And we’ll find comfort in our storms. Remember Jesus on the boat? He slept through the storm. He rested there and had peace. Why? Because He knew the closeness of God. He knew the storm wouldn’t take the boat out and they’d eventually reach the shore. Our storms may be raging. There may be so much darkness we think the light is gone. But its not. Outside of the shadow is light. Shining all around on things we cant see. We may be in the dark, but God is nothing but light. And we can take comfort knowing that despite our struggling, our misplaced faith, or lack of belief, that He is still protecting us and full of grace. He is still near, if not closer than ever. And that in that shadow is peace if we allow it.

I don’t have some grand wisdom for you here. I can’t say what will take your storms and light up what you need. But i can tell you that you’re not abandoned. That you’re not alone. The storm will eventually pass. And that if we would change our perspective of the dark we see, we will find rest. We’ll find peace and comfort. I don’t know what that means for you. For me, it meant taking a look at what i know to be true. The solid, foundational truths God has given me. Reminding myself of what God has already done. (See past blogs about alters). Getting my face in the Bible and letting the words sink deeply into my heart. It meant remembering that my feelings will sometimes lie to me. That they don’t dictate Gods faithfulness or goodness. They don’t change who He is and what He does. If He makes me a promise, I can indeed trust He will follow through. And i needed to remember who i am. Who God made me to be. A warrior who doesn’t back down when its hard or run from a challenge. A woman of faith that knows my greatest weapon is love.

So i may feel uncertain, and quite honestly scared. Things may be dark. And i may have absolutely no idea how God is going to do what He said He would. But as i go forward i refuse to let myself get lost in lies. Even if its hard. Even if i take one step at a time, with tears streaming down my cheeks at every turn, I’ll keep walking. Even when i want to give up and my heart is breaking, I’ll keep moving. Even if i don’t understand and confusion tries to grip my heart, I’ll keep trusting. Sometimes in the midst of the hard stuff, that’s all we can do. And that’s enough.