Redefining Love

This world is a place of very little understanding of love. How much it actually takes to lay ourselves down and live for someone else is unknown to most. And what love really is and looks like between two people seems to be a mystery. I lived so much of my life thinking I understood love and how to love someone. But as I’ve walked with God I’ve learned that I actually had no idea how to love or be loved. I had so much of it wrong. God had to give me a new definition of love. And in learning that, I had to shatter. Everything that I was had to be broken, rearranged, and then pieced back together as something new. As God originally intended. That process of breaking was one of the most painful things I’ve ever endured. Excruciatingly so to the point that I questioned if I could even get through the procedure. Did I really have what it would take to make it to the other side? And even if I learned how to love, would I have enough of myself left to give to make it worth it? I found out halfway through all of this that I in fact could not make it to the finish line. I wasn’t enough. But I was never supposed to be. The shattered version of myself was meant to fall short so that I would see that God would be the love for me. And as He pieced me back together I ultimately learned that in order to truly love someone else, I needed Jesus. I would never be enough without Him. And He made it that way intentionally, He wanted to be a part of the love story. God is the biggest romantic of them all.

Love has nothing to do with how you feel. I wrote about love a while ago and talked a lot about the sacrifice of love and how it takes patience. All true words. But I’ve grown to understand love in a different way with new layers of depth. Mostly because I have walked with it now for some time. I’ve lived it, experienced it, and had to give it away. Love asked me to die to myself in ways I didn’t know I could. It asked me to lay down my needs and wants, and make someone else greater. Even when that hurt. Even when I didn’t want to. Even when it wouldn’t be returned. The feeling of love had nothing to do with what I was experiencing. As a matter of fact I often found myself in moments where I didn’t feel anything nice, and sometimes nothing at all. Not within myself or reciprocated by anyone else. What I’d normally have defined as a “love feeling” was entirely absent. In those moments love didn’t exactly feel great. It challenged me, shook me, and stretched me to new limits. It provided an opportunity for me to think of someone else above myself and show them how much they meant to me. It gave me chances to speak truth where lies were coming in even when that wasn’t received well. Love isn’t hiding in shadows and it surely wasn’t going to let me either. I kept waiting for this certain feeling to show up. Something familiar from what I’d known of love. But I never felt it.

No, love wasn’t how I felt at all. What I’d felt in my past was nothing of what I was feeling in those moments, in the good or.... less good. I didn’t understand it until God showed me the unhealthy movements I called love, the wrong soul ties, the connections made that weren’t from God, weren’t present. That’s why the feelings I was used to didn’t show up. So when love actually came, I didn’t recognize it. It felt foreign and strange. I was used to ties being made at the wrong times. I was used to a connection only meant for marriage. I was used to the wrong way of “loving”. So when the right kind came I almost labeled it something else. I almost dismissed it as not worth looking at. That was until God showed me that He had redefined love for me. What I had known was backwards, worldly, and perverted from His design. But He showed me how He intended love to be and feel. And it wasn’t what I knew. AT ALL. It had little to do with how I felt, and more to do with how much I wanted to serve the other person. What I was willing to do for them despite my needs or how I was feeling. I found myself doing things I never would have done for anyone else. I was full of grace for stuff I never would have been ok with before. I found patience, understanding, and a willingness to persevere for their sake that I wasn’t willing to show others. I wanted to believe all things, bear all things, and hope all things for this person. Sound familiar? Suddenly 1 Corinthians 13 didn’t seem so hard. And I wasn’t looking to get them to act this out for me, I was looking to give it to them. These verses were being lived out, heart first, demonstrated, for someone other than myself. And with ease. This definitely wasn’t what I’d normally known of love. Love in my past was all about what I could GET from them. (Even if I didn’t want to believe that or admit it, it was) This love was all about what I could DO for them. And it didn’t come with flashing bells, firey emotions, or large feelings. It wasn’t full of passion and longing. It was gentle and kind to my heart. I didn’t fall into it. I floated. It came casually and just existed one day. I was used to something bigger. Which now that I know better I see was purely lust. But that feeling is what I expected. I kept waiting for this overwhelming desire for sexual intimacy and that feeling of deep need. And when it didn’t come, I had to ask why. The answer was because that wasn’t love. Should I desire to be intimate with that person? Well, yea, and I did. But it wasn’t time for that as God places that in marriage. So what I was meant to feel, the actual love part, was much more subtle. Even though I had feelings of desire, they weren’t turned up to a level I was used to. And because I had only lived the perverted version of love, I nearly missed the real thing. I just about over looked it and chalked it up to something other than love. I had deep feelings, I knew I liked to be with this person, I knew I wanted more with them. But in looking for what I knew in my past, I nearly missed the truth. The truth that love was not a feeling, it was a person in action. It was something much more pure than I anticipated. It was righteous, selfless, sweet, and honorable. I was experiencing something I had never known before, but had always looked for; a best friend, a teammate, and a pure love from the heart that could truly endure. When I opened my eyes and saw that the error was not a lack of love, but a lack of my understanding of love, my whole world changed. I realized I’d never really loved anyone before. This romanticized idea of what that looked like was so far off from the real thing. So when the real thing showed up and I finally saw it for what it was, it rocked me. I became willing to risk the safety of my own heart for someone else. And I was happy to do it. I became a woman that would stand in faith for another being even if it meant my demise. I became hope in the flesh willing to sacrifice my wellness for the other person. Love wasn’t a big feeling, but it was the biggest impact on my life I’d ever experienced. And once I saw the definition of what it really was, all I could do was weep and thank God for showing me before it was too late. Before I overlooked it in my vanity, pride, or lack. Before I missed it and missed out. As I embraced this gentle over taking of love, it did start to get bigger. But as it grew, it still wasn’t what I expected, it was better. It was more beautiful, more fulfilling, more pure, and the most stunningly terrifying adventure I’d ever embarked on. Worth every moment of breaking I needed to endure to learn it. And one of my favorite lessons to date.

So the campaign for real love began and I had to face some truths.....

Love like this took bravery. I had to lay my heart bare, skin it, and leave it to the open air. The chance that it was going to be smashed, broken, and maybe even completely ruined was huge. But I had to be willing to do that for someone else. One of my favorite quotes about love comes from a book called Scary Close by Donald Miller. He says, “Love is worth what it costs.” I adore this quote because he’s right, love is going to cost you. It’s going to ask of you, demand of you, and take from you. It’s going to call you to be brave and bold and lay all the vulnerable parts of yourself bare for someone else to possibly hurt. But its worth it. It’s worth every breathless moment of angst you might feel leading up to being open. It’s worth every possibility that it might cause pain. It’s worth being vulnerable. So. Very. Worth. It. Because when you love and are loved in return, you change. You become capable of moving mountains. Something happens that transforms you into a person of more courage and boldness. Giving yourself away to love and being loved will cost you everything that you don’t want and need in your life. But you have to be brave enough to not only reach for it, but give it away. And when you come to the end of yourself, you have to trust that God will fill in the gaps. That He will bridge where you end and the other person begins so you can truly be one without expectations that can’t be met. Love is worth what it costs because what it asks of you is giving up everything you’re not supposed to be and to step into everything you’re meant to be. Love makes you fearless. (1 John 4:18) And it transfers you straight into destiny and purpose. Love is most definitely worth what it costs.

The other truth about love is that its not entirely mine. I thought that what I felt was going to come from some place within me. And while the admiration and affection for the other person was and is there, the love came from God. He gave me the love needed and felt for the other person. He gave me the patience, the grace, the tenderness. Sure I had some on my own. But the abundance of love and ability to act loving wasn’t mine. God gave that to me. So when I was assessing my feelings and what they meant, I had to realize that they weren’t normal to me because they were from the Lord. They weren’t entirely mine. That’s not something He had ever given me for someone before. It felt strange and foreign because it was indeed strange and foreign. When He gave me a fresh definition of love it really was something brand new to me all together. But because of that I knew I could trust it. I knew that because He was in it, I was safe with it. No matter how strange it felt, no matter how new it was, I could allow myself to be taken over by it because God was and is in it. Love in the world was scary because it all depended on me and an imperfect man. But this....... this had nothing to do with my ability to perform or fulfill anything. God was doing that as I surrendered to the love He was pouring out of me. It wasn’t scary at all. As a matter of fact it was beautiful and freeing once I gave in to it. I had never known anything so pure and fulfilling to my heart. Love with God is a whole other thing all together.

I found out that love, when God is in the middle, looks a lot like Him. He demonstrates what we’re supposed to feel and do. It’s not sexual as we usually expect. It feels like friendship with the added bonus of wanting to make out with them lol (Not lusty, but definitely with attraction.) It feels like a soft pillow, a home, a warm cup of tea, and peace in a smile. It has feelings, but love is not THE feeling. And what i’ve learned of love is that as you commit, as you get closer, things grow. Wanting sexual intimacy grows from love, not the other way around. Wanting to sacrifice becomes a byproduct of love. Friendship blooms into love which turns into the more as you go. Marriage is what opens the door to things we’re used to starting with in the world. All the passionate, large, booming feelings come after that because that’s when its time for them. Love is multifaceted and meant to bloom as you go through stages together. And love, when with the right person, brings you closer to God. I knew that I had finally experienced real love because it pushed me to know God more, to want more of God, and to seek Him. Love made God more real. And the person I loved made me want Him more just by being in my life. The love I felt towards him, made God brighter in my world because it was the love of God shining through the relationship. (1 John 4:8)

To actually put to words all that love is, would be impossible. I believe we will spend our entire lives learning and growing in love. The definition isn’t something I can give you outside of some romantic ramblings and a lot of Jesus. But what I can tell you, is the world has it wrong. I had it wrong. Without the premature soul ties, the inappropriate longings, and the unhealthy attachments I just about missed it because it was much more gentle than I ever imagined. Love, it turns out, made me more of myself all while introducing me to a part of my heart I never knew existed. A place I didn’t know I could give away. It made me want to be better, do better, and become more like Jesus. Love, it turns out, was everything I needed but didn't know I was missing. I probably didn’t accurately explain to you what happened and what love really felt like or is. But I hope that as you pray into this, God shows you the stark difference between what the world calls love and what He does. And I hope that should you find a love that’s from the Lord, you don’t mistake its gentle touch as something to dismiss. Because if you’re used to love without God, it won’t feel like anything you’ve ever known. But it will end up being the greatest adventure, sacrifice, and pleasure of your entire life. It will, by all means, be worth what it costs.