Perfectly Imperfect

So much of my life I had to earn love. Every action, word, or reaction added up or subtracted from some love account that let me know how much love I’d earned or deserved. The account often felt like it was in deficit and I would have to work harder to refill it. My efforts were never enough and I constantly felt like I was reaching for some unrealistic goal. In my world, I’d never be able to achieve enough worth for real love. I simply wasn’t good enough. I could never possibly be. And no amount of work would ever change that.

Fast forward to Jesus crashing into my world. He saved me, freed me, and taught me who I was. His love flowed endlessly and effortlessly. I didn’t have to earn it. I told myself I understood that. And I wanted to. But somewhere along the way I changed my mind and decide I had to start working for that love. Like I owed God for the freedom He’d given me. I started working overtime to make up for lost years of love given as if I had a debt to pay. I called it dutiful. I said I was on fire chasing Him. I called it educational and said I just wanted to learn more about Him. Which wasn’t entirely inaccurate. I do love Him so much and my heart is to chase Him at all costs. The fire was and is real. And I so much love to learn more about God and the Bible. It makes me happy and makes me feel closer to Him. But in the mix of that fire driven education, perfectionism set in. I somehow got it in my mind that if I messed up, if I stepped out of line, if I didn’t do it all right, I’d not only lose His love, I’d lose my blessings. I forgot about grace and the work of the cross erasing the necessary works for connection. I forgot that God wants to bless me as the mess I am even if I mess up. I forgot who He is.

Somehow my Christian walk became something it was never supposed to be; an endless pursuit of a flawless life void of any failure or mistake. Who’s idea was this? It surely wasn’t God and it surely wasn’t asked of me. I had to take a step back recently and ask myself where all this came from. Why was I so set on earning something from God when Jesus made it clear He paid it all? Why did I feel I needed so badly to prove I was worthy of the love and blessing? All loaded questions. But I have the feeling I’m not alone in doing this. I think a lot of us are walking in perfectionism disguised as something else. For me it was what I labeled pursuit. If I prayed enough, chased enough, read enough, learned enough, sang enough worship songs..... if I wanted it bad enough, wanted Him enough...... if I chased the kingdom or revival enough..... maybe then I’d have earned my way into love and blessing. Maybe then I’d be worth God looking in my direction as He has before.

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I had what felt like a serious worth issue on my hands. And while I’ve dealt with so much of my unworthiness and feelings of inadequacy, apparently I was’t done. The free gift of salvation may have been one God handed to me. But instead of being able to take it with grace and thankfulness, I now felt indebted. I had to repay what He paid. In suffering, in loss, in hurt. In “bearing my cross” and showing Him that He invested well. But God never asked that of me. He never asked me to suffer in order to earn something from Him. And the truth is, I’m not worthy of it. I’m a sinner. I’m a mess. And there is nothing I can do to in fact be good enough. So instead of making myself worthy, I had to realize and accept that I’m indeed not worthy.

So the real issue wasn’t actually my worth, the real issue here was my view of God. The lie was not that I’m unworthy, the lie was that God saw me as unworthy. Somewhere along the way I’d forgotten what my Father says about me. I’d forgotten that Christ died so that God would look at me and see me blameless and clean. I had belittled the death and resurrection and reduced His work to my debt instead. Gods willingness to bless me, love me, and be with me became a work I had to achieve instead of a gift.

I had to repent for this. A lot. There were many tears shed and lots of prayers lifted up to clear the rooms of my heart from perfectionism. And as I did this, I found another issue. I had not only expected myself to be perfect, I had projected that expectation onto others. Somewhere along the way I had decided that people who spoke into my life or that I allowed space in my life had to be perfect in order to add to my being. That if they had sin or didn’t walk how I expected they couldn’t possibly be used like I wanted to be either. My misconception of my ability to be loved was now effecting my ability to love.

So, I really owe myself an apology.... for constantly expecting perfection. For always pushing so hard for the answer right away. For never allowing room for failure. For putting the weight of the world on my own shoulders.

I really owe others an apology.... for assuming an imperfect vessel couldn’t give a perfect word. For being so skeptical about their gifts because I saw their need for freedom. For thinking that they couldn’t help me because they weren’t perfect either.

I really owe God an apology..... for all of this. For judging myself and others based on our lack of perfection. For thinking He couldn’t use us and show up in us unless we were fully pure and without sin. For basically saying the cross wasn’t enough to make use of us in powerful ways. For diminishing His ability to work through our lives despite the messes we make. For doubting His sovereignty in all things.

I didn’t know I did this. I didn’t see the judgements I was making based on what I thought God wanted of me. I didn’t know I was discounting and discrediting powerful, anointed men and women of God because of my shortcomings. I didn’t even know I was beating myself up to achieve something that I already had. It was arrogant of me to assume only the perfect would be used well, including myself. I mean, the Bible is full of some train wreck humans being used in incredible ways. It was wrong to limit God to my understanding of movement. It was wrong to seek something only God can give from others. It was wrong to look to some as perfect because I didn’t know their failures and flaws. And yet others imperfect because I could see them all clearly. Who am I to do such a thing?

Now, theres that spirit that wants me to beat myself up for this. How could you Audria?! But I’m going to guess I’m not alone. I’m going to guess we’ve all done this from time to time and maybe quite often. But the thing is, we aren’t perfect. Neither are those around us. And God knows this. As a matter of fact He accounted for it when He sent His son to die on the cross. And by dismissing His knowledge in this, I’m saying that what Jesus did isn’t enough. And I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of trying to live up to an expectation that I can’t achieve. I’m sick of working so hard for love that I already have. I’m tired of striving for the grace that’s free.

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So I decided to change. My repentance led to freedom from perfection. It led to more acceptance of others imperfect love. And it showed me how incredibly loved I am by my perfect Father in Heaven. With that so much pressure has been coming off my shoulders. Suddenly my Christian walk isn’t so strenuous. I am finding a place to enjoy God in a fresh way. To find joy in His words instead of a bill to pay or something to live up to. There’s more peace, more wonder, and more fulfillment. I’m never going to do this perfectly and thats ok. And I’m finally allowing myself to receive love in my imperfection. I’m finally allowing myself room for mistakes knowing it cant and wont change Gods mind about me. He can still use me even as a holy train wreck. And what’s even more is I’m now allowing myself to love others in an even greater way. Giving away love was never a problem for me. But loving them like Christ has to come without judgements and conditions. Through losing perfectionism I’m finding it even easier to pour out from that place and love more deeply.

So, if you’re like me, and you have found yourself striving to be perfect, I encourage you to lay it down. Let yourself be a mess if you need to be. And shed the idea that you have to earn love. Because you don’t. It’s free. And realizing that is freeing and makes chasing God that much more beautiful!