Loving Him Madly

Shit got hard. Like... hard hard. I was running in circles trying to not go backwards in life because of how crazy thing are. Yay apocalypse. And yet wanting so badly to go forward. To do more. To run ahead into promises. I literally have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what to do about everything in my life. It feels like everything needs to change. All at once. Right now. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I prayed and prayed and prayed. Then cried. Then was ok for a while. Then prayed and prayed some more. Then fell apart. Then got it together.... Spin. Rinse. Repeat. I’m dizzy, I’m tired, and I’m frustrated. This is one of those fall on your knees moments where you literally scream and beg God to help. Full surrender. It’s ugly. And its real.

Hard.

So, that obviously couldn’t continue. I was going insane. I really value the idea of following Gods will. I don’t want to pick the color of a new car if I didn’t pray about it kind of follow. Just tell me what to do Jesus, and I’ll do it. So I was waiting on answers. So. Many. Answers. Hello, God, are you there orrrrrr.....?

I didn’t get answers to my current questions. I still have no idea what to do with just about everything. Like at all. But.... what did happen wasn’t what I saw coming. And at first it didn’t make sense to me. What happened is I fell head over heels back in love with Jesus. Yup. I thought I loved Him before, but holy cow there was more. I can’t tell you how it happened. I can’t tell you why it’s here. But it is. I found myself so deeply in love, so absolutely intoxicated with Him, that He was all I could see anymore. Those worship songs just hit different in the kitchen and suddenly I found myself weeping at how utterly in love with Him I am. At how amazingly good He is. I’m such a mess. I’m overly emotional. I’m forgetful. I have made some pretty stupid choices over the years. I never refill the ice trays. And I always have 200 questions. I’m a holy train wreck. Just trying my best. And Jesus.... THE Jesus, thinks the mess that I am is worth it. Worth anything. Worth all of it. Worth freeing. And worth loving as I am..... what?

How could I not love Him with every part of my being?

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I didn’t care anymore how we were going to get to the promise land. The God of the universe thought I was important enough to make promises to! That fact alone is enough. I didn’t care how I would fix all the problems. God is too good to make me do it alone. I didn’t care how long the walk would take. I’d be walking with my best friend the whole way. Everything shifted when all I focused on was loving Jesus. Knowing more of Him. Understanding His will. Learning the patterns of how He moved, loved, lived. Suddenly all that mattered was that. Everything else was trivial. The only question I needed to answer was, how do I get around more of Jesus? All that was left in me was an insatiable desire for more of His presence. Nothing but love. And an absolute hunger for more.

So that’s what I did. I started chasing Him harder than ever. Love struck and utterly consumed. And you want to know what happened? Peace came. Joy came. Relief showed up. The spinning stopped. And everything around me became so much more beautiful. I changed in the pursuit of His heart. And in return He’s started to change my life. All these things I’ve been so worried about have an answer. Some of which He’s shown me in His promises. Others I still don’t know. But He does. And as I run after Him, He started pouring paths, plans, and experiences out on me. Little things just kind of fixed themselves. Answers started showing up unexpectedly. I had spent so much time in a frenzy trying to figure it all out and understand. But it turns out my answers were in His love all along. It was much more simple than I was making it. And I was doing significantly more work than I needed to be. I just needed to love on Jesus and go where He goes. That’s it. It was really that easy.

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Too much is out of our control right now. So much uncertainty and fear. Nothing in our world seems to make sense. Its all coconuts. But Jesus never changes. He never gets tired. He laughs at trials knowing only of victory. And He never ever leaves our side. I think a lot of us have promises from God that seem impossible. But I think if we would stop worrying about our situation and focus on just loving Him, things would start to look a lot more hopeful. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Count me in Jesus.

I’m just going to sit back, enjoy the ride, and let God work it all out. He’s a way better driver. And He’s got the map anyway.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 NIV

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.