I Messed Up. But God.

A come back was made today. 

I'll admit, I got knocked down pretty hard this last week. Its. Been. Hell. My on going battle came to a head and let me tell you, I walked away bruised and broken. Straight up. I admit my defeat. I made my own choices in this war and my battle plan was left lacking. Honestly, I got my ass kicked. Ouch. 

However, I was fully prepared to ignore said defeat. My old ways came rushing back and I went numb. I refused to look at the damage. I told myself it was fine, slapped some less than heart felt faith words on it, and smiled. I tried so hard to get out of it, away from it, under it, around it. But all my work did was make things worse. Cuts got deeper. My heart got harder. And I felt nothing. It sucked. I found myself like a toddler demanding I take control but having no idea what I was really doing. It was frustrating. It hurt. And it only made defeat more of a knock down. 

But today, God came crashing through the pain I'd allowed to consume me and pulled me out of it. He came face to face with the devil and rescued His daughter. I was hopeless by the time this morning rolled around. So beaten up it felt impossible to fix. In chains, weak, and without light. I crashed. Hard. God picked me up, spoke into my heart and my situations, and He crushed my enemies. He took off my chains when I finally let go of my shame. There was so much shame, from so many things, and I just couldn't carry them anymore. I so badly didn't want to admit defeat. My ego and pride were roaring at me and I desperately wanted to believe I had it under control. I did not. And today I faced it. I laid it down at the feet of Jesus. I repented. And I faced my shame. 

I was expecting some deep pain, some blast to the gut, want to throw up death blow. But it wasn't. It was peace at first. Just a calm that swept over me through the day. It was like a massage for my heart. Slowly working out some kinks. Then I went to sing. 

Worship is healing for me. A beautiful friend gave me a word about it last week and God reminded me of its power. Whenever I'm heartbroken or really low I sing to myself. I always have. There's a comfort in it. I'd forgotten about that. Singing worship is always about giving God my praise, my heart. Number one. I want to invite Him to come and be loved on. But opening up to Him in that way allows so much more. And part of that is healing for my heart and soul. In that place I can let go of everything around me, everything in me, and just be with Him. Hes the only one in the room. My audience of one. Its just us and our love for one another. 

Tonight I poured my heart out to Him like never before; passionately, raw, consumed. And when I did, He began to patch up my battle wounds. He shifted the heavy weight off of my back and began to ease the pain from carrying it. He began to heal what I'd chosen to break. His mercy and grace showed up to sooth my aches. All that I did was give it to Him and sing my love for Him. 

That's all I needed to do. Repent and worship. It was so simple. I fought so hard trying to self preserve. I created damage that will take more time to heal. And it wasn't necessary. God is so full of mercy and understanding. Hes so kind and wise that He's more than willing to help us clean up our messes. He'll fix what we break if we're willing to let Him. It was easy to face myself with Gods help. Because He is that good. And He'll help you avoid so much damage if you let Him take the lead instead of your flesh. If you just trust Him, take Him at His word. When He says He loves you, He means it. And its unconditional. He will never lead you in the wrong direction. 

So I'm back. Im a little bruised. I need some more prayer and more Jesus to fix some of what I broke. But God in His amazing love brought my dry bones back to life. He set a new fire in my veins. And I'm back, making my way to battle ready. And this time, I'll have all the right armor on, and my big ol God leading the way. Once again I'm learning just how much my ways dont work. And that God will always have the ultimate battle plan. His ways are always better and true repentance will always change our course back to His will.