Falling in Love Isn't Falling at All

I’ve felt love for people before. And I believe it was important at the time. I meant it. But it was a love based on my then understanding of what love was. And what love felt like.

That love was desperate and chaotic. It consumed me and drug me into manic places I called passion. It was an anguished attempt to be loved instead of actually loving. That love asked more of me than it gave. It drained me and tore me apart from the very beginning. And I let it. I walked off that cliff willingly. I chose that nosedive into self-destruction. But you see, I didn’t know better. I only knew the kind of love that ruined you. The kind that stole your identity, your freedom, and called it sacrifice. You could be the victim or the martyr of the story. So, I declared myself the hero. I thought I could save the other person and label it love. My self-sacrifice into the cause would be my redemption to the chosen. And when I'd finally rescued them, they’d love me back. It would all be worth it. A fairytale ending. That’s what I knew. A world-shattering, hard fall to the ground I called love.   

Falling in love though, isn’t falling at all. It’s more of a sweet decent. It softly envelopes you and caresses your heart with velvety tenderness. It builds in a gentle anticipation and strength with each moment of connection. There is no rush to its fullness. It seems to sneak up on you. Not in some make you jump sort of way. It just sort of... comes to be. You just love them. You can’t stop it. You can’t deny it. It just is. You're overtaken with the deepest devotion, tenderness, and warmth for the other. It seems to wash over you like a wave gently lapping on the shore and slowly saturates your very being. When it comes, its peaceful. There’s calm in that love. A place you can finally let out that deep breath, relax your shoulders, and breath. It centers you and stops the spinning of the world. You don’t have to try or strive. It’s the place you take off your armor, drop your walls, and be real. Its authentic, vulnerable, and safe. Its home in a person.  

In my singleness I used to pray and ask God how I’d know when I found my person. “Love” had taken so much from me in the past. I was weary and I made plenty of mistakes. Matters of the heart can be treacherous and tricky. I was so afraid to be deceived, hurt, or misled. It's just so easily done. Especially for a diehard romantic. I knew I couldn’t trust myself to choose my person. And I’m well aware God makes better choices than I do. So, I wanted what God had, the one He chose. I'd beg Him to make it abundantly clear when my chosen fella showed up. Like flashing lights, billboards that glow in the dark kind of clear. I’m a romantic idiot remember? I expected an explosive moment, an “ah ha” that slaps you in the face. But instead I found that God had sort of numbed my inner romantic and gave me a sharper, more logical discernment. I would meet someone, and just know it was a no. I didn’t even need to actually meet them in person. I’d just know. It’s not this one. I got good at that. But it was unclear to me how I'd actually know when he DID show up. This information seemed imminent, necessary. And all God would ever tell me was, “You’ll just know.” That’s it. Grrrrrrrrr! Why must God be so vague sometimes!? 

It wasn’t until way later I’d discover the answer to my question had less to do with understanding when I‘d know he had arrived, and more to do with understanding what love really is. 

The worlds definition of love is a feeling. It’s the way your heart beats faster when someone is around or the butterflies in your stomach when they hold your hand. It’s a feeling that, after a while, fades. And so, as the butterflies wane so does what people perceive as love, and the relationship usually ends. The moments of romantic chaos are over, they no longer feel in love, and so they give up. It’s a cycle of heart break that plays its self over and over in our culture. And quite frankly, it’s ruining what love and relationships should be. People are hurt. And they end up jaded and alone. We were made for companionship so it leaves a hole in our hearts and our lives that was intended to be filled with such joy. So, what does God have to say about love? How do we know when we do love someone?

The bible has a ton to say about love. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (NIV). Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (NIV). 1 John 4:9 says, “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.” (NIV). God is our greatest example of love, so it seems smart to look to Him for our structure of love. All of these scriptures point to one thing; sacrifice. In every one of these instances we see something being sacrificed on our behalf for the sake of love. To love someone, really love them, is to sacrifice for them. We know we love them because we will be willing, and find joy, in the idea of giving for that other person. It could be something as simple as letting them pick the restaurant you eat at. Or as complex as moving across a state to be with them. But demonstrating real love, is to give for someone else. And in order to maintain that love, you’ll have to continually do this. You'll have to be willing to choose them over yourself more often than not.

Love is simply sacrifice to the highest degree. It’s putting your wants and needs aside for another. Being willing to lay down your life for someone else. Mike Todd said in his book, Relationship Goals that, “You will never see real love until there is real sacrifice of giving.” This one sentence rocked me. And as I looked back on the things God has done for me, all the things He’s shown me, its sprinkled with sacrifice. Giving His son; sacrifice. His long suffering to see me come back to Him; sacrifice. Being patient with me as I learned; sacrifice. Loving me when I didn’t love Him back; sacrifice. All of what love is can be traced back to the idea that the other person is more important than yourself. That what they need is more important to you than what you want or what you feel.

Ok, we all know the famous 1 Corinthians 13 passages about love. Its widely used in services, weddings, and romantic gestures everywhere. But let’s look at the first few verses and see what it really tells us about love. Now, I don’t believe anything God does is unintentional. Every word of the Bible is written as it is for a purpose. With that mindset it would be fair to assume the order in which things are written, matters. 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 gives us a list, a clear and precise description of what it looks like to love. But notice the first one listed.... “love is patient”. Patience with one another is what it takes to sacrifice. It’s what it takes to be with someone who will make you angry from time to time or disappoint you. Patience is what it takes to choose someone every single day. Gods definition of love was much different than anything I’d understood or experienced. We’ve all read 1 Corinthians 13 but we tend to gloss over it and only apply the parts we like. The gravity of words like “love never fails,” or “love always hopes,” become fillers in our minds, pretty ideas, but are rarely applied. How about the idea that love is long suffering? Do we really understand what that means? And furthermore, are we really applying that to our actual walk in love for another? When I read through this chapter, I can see clear ideas of what love looks like. Patience, kindness, trust, and so on. That’s how we show it, how we do it. But inevitably it all boils down to the basic idea of sacrificing for someone else. Weather they deserve it or not. 

So, when we say we love someone, and truly mean it, that’s what it takes. It takes being willing to choose that person every day. No matter what. It takes looking at their flaws and corks, and still saying yes to the commitment of sacrificing for them. It’s giving up the last cookie when you really wanted one. It’s cleaning up the laundry you asked them to put in the basket 1000 times without letting it make you mad. It’s waiting for them to feel safe being vulnerable with patience and grace. It’s choosing to love them even if they don’t love you back. It’s all about this one concept that they mean more to you than you mean to yourself. Isn’t that what Christ did for us? Isn’t that what God does every day? 

While love is beautiful and the fruit of it is life altering, it’s also hard. It’s not roses and sunshine all the time. It’s not always romanticism and pretty words. It’s difficult, it’s painful at moments, and it’s work. You can’t be self-serving and love someone at the same time because in order to truly love them, you must die to yourself. You must become second. You must commit to it every single day. So few are willing to do that. We get so caught up in our feelings that we run when things get difficult. We leave when we don't feel the butterflies. This is why divorce is so high. This is why relationships don’t last. We’ve made love an idea, a feeling, instead of an applicable lifestyle. Instead of being willing to do what it takes to actually love them which is sacrificial giving. And while walking out love for someone isn’t always easy, it is worth it. There’s fulfillment there. There’s joy in that sacrifice. So, yea, maybe love is hard. Maybe it’ll hurt. Maybe it takes more than we think we can give sometimes. But at the end of the day, love is always worth it. 

Inevitably what I gather is that love is, in the end, a choice. Sure, we feel it. We have an overwhelming desire for another. And there is definitely a need for compatibility. But after all of that we have to choose someone. Decide that they are worth looking out for, sacrificing for, and choose to love them every day. That’s how we make our relationships last. That’s how we continue to demonstrate the love God shows us, by choice. We must choose them, and sacrifice for them, in all we do. This is love. This is the love God shows us and asks of us. For Him and for one another. And when that person shows up that makes us want to do this, makes us long to give for them, we'll know that's something worth working for. And someone worth choosing. 

I leave you with one of my favorite verses from 1 Corinthians as a reminder of how powerful love is in our lives and in our walk. I pray you meditate on it, soak it in, and let God show you how His love gives us the perfect example to follow when loving others in all types of relationships. That you see the impact of loving others for what it is......everything. 

1 Corinthians 1-3 NIV

1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not love, I gain nothing.