Don't Tell Me What To Do

I want to talk about submission. And while a lot of what I have to say can be applied to men, I specifically want to talk to the ladies.

Men, don't quit reading now because there is power in understanding what submission is for the women in your lives. You should have knowledge of what this concept looks like in order to be better leaders. But I want to address the idea of submitting as a whole with emphasis on being a wife. It's a lesson us women need to learn and really need to understand in order to find our true nature and our position in the kingdom. The world offers such a skewed idea of submission, especially in relationships, so it's imperative we look at what God has to say about it. I can only express what I've learned and the impact it's had on my life, who I am. It truly changed me and has done so in the most unexpected and beautiful ways. So, let's get into it.

The word submission as defined by the dictionary, is the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or the will or authority of another person. That’s not something I do well. In fact, it's something I’ve fought most of my life to not do at all. I submitted to nothing and no one for as long as I can remember. Submitting to another person, in my mind, meant letting go of control and trusting that somehow, I wouldn’t be let down or hurt. Yea, that wasn’t going to happen. In fact, I made it a point to always self-sustain and to never allow someone that much power over me. I didn’t want to need anyone and I surely didn’t want to give my power to anyone. It made me feel strong and gave me a false sense of control. Submitting just wasn’t something I was willing to do. Like ever.

But did you catch that? False sense of control. Because the truth is, I had no control and I certainly had no power. I only thought I did. God made things complicated for me when he asked me to not only submit to Him, but to submit to others in my life. Especially men. That was a big hell no for me. Men had been a constant source of pain, disappointment, and shattered expectations in my life. I really struggled trying to figure out how to submit to imperfect men. I hated the idea of letting them rule over me in any way, shape, or form. But God asked me to. And I love Him enough to try even if it scared the absolute crap out of me. What I learned in that place changed my life. Actually, what it did was create a safe place for me to be authentic and feminine in a way I’d never been allowed to be before. I didn’t expect that at all. For the first time ever, I got to be the real me. The me I was created as. The soft, loving, compassionate woman I was made to be. I didn’t expect that outcome in the slightest!

Submission is a huge thing in our Christian faith. Its asked of us in our relationship with God. It’s asked of us in our churches and in our jobs. And its asked of us as wives to the men we choose to marry. It’s a big deal. And though its important, for someone as independent and stubborn as me, it's scary as all get out. In Hebrew the word submit can also be translated as presenting, bringing near, or drawing near. That’s far from what we perceive the word to mean in our world. Submission seems to be another one of those cuss words in our culture that we avoid and dismiss as bad. But the definition laid out for us in the Bible calls it good and right. So, what do I really gain from being submitted? What happens to my relationship with God and with the people of authority over me when I truly submit? Why am I asked to submit to a husband? And how do I go about that with peace knowing that I’ll be ok if I let them rule over me?

So, let's start with God. He was the number one ”person” I needed to submit to. But even that didn’t come with ease. I had to learn to submit to Him. It took time for me to trust that He wasn’t going to let me down and that in my decision to submit to Him, He would follow through with what He said He would do. Honestly, it's still a process I’m learning as I go. I have come leaps and bounds in that area, but I still have a lot to learn. Though over time God has proven to me that not only is my heart safe with Him, its well taken care of. When He makes me a promise, I’ve learned that He will indeed fulfill that promise. I've learned that when I trust Him, He will make moves on my behalf that I could never make on my own. Over time He has shown me I’m safe. And eventually I got to where I let Him rule my life because I got to know his character and his heart for me. I was willing to give Him my wills and desires because He had proven to me what He had in store was better. Submitting wasn’t so hard after a while because, well, He’s God. He’s perfect and doesn’t lie. He never fails me and His love is unconditional, perfect. I can't give you some grand design or game plan of how to make that work for you. It took me time and experience with Him to learn. Like I said, I'm still finding places I am learning to submit. But what I can tell you is that it's worth trying. That tearing down the walls is worth it. Letting Him into your heart and life, is worth it. Submitting, is worth it. Take the time to get to know Him in prayer and by reading the word. Listen to His voice and pay attention to the things He does. And know that if you ask Him to help you, He will guide you to do that. I can't promise it will always be easy. But once you see who He really is, you’ll find it much easier to submit your life and will to Him. That much I can promise you.

Once I got comfortable submitting to God he moved on to the hard stuff. He asked me to submit to imperfect human men. All I could think was, “You’re out of your mind.” How could I possibly submit to men of this world when they had caused to much of my heart ache in life?! It seemed crazy and impossible to me. But again, God asked me to do it. So, terrified or not, I chose to trust Him. I was admittedly scared. What if they let me down? What if they abused that power over me? What if I allowed them to lead and I ended up hurt? So many questions raged through my mind and I had no idea how to even begin to do this. But what I did know, was that no matter what happened with these earthly men, my heavenly man wouldn't let me down. Even if they hurt me or let me fall, God would be there to catch me. That was what got me through the process of trusting these men in my life; the undeniable knowledge that God had my back. Those men might indeed let me down. But I went into it with the understanding and faith that any pain they may cause, God would help heal. Not only heal, but He would use it as a lesson. He would teach me and mold me with anything that came my way. I was sure of that much and so, I allowed myself to try. Though it wasn't always easy, I learned a lot. I gained wonderful teachers and guidance in my life I had never had before. And I was blessed with a spiritual covering that helped protect me in ways I didn’t know I needed. But there was still so much I didn’t understand about submission. I knew what was coming next, submission in a relationship. That was the most terrifying of all. I had to go to the word in order to understand what that even looked like. It wasn’t something I had ever done with the men in my life. And quite honestly, I was lost. Especially when it came to submission as a woman to a husband. That was something I knew I’d eventually have to do, but I’ll be honest, I wasn’t happy about it. Submitting to my leaders in church was less scary, God obviously put them there and I trusted their hearts even if they weren't perfect. But a husband...... in relationship with me...... yea that was not something I wanted or had the slightest clue how to do.

Paul writes about submission of a wife in Ephesians 5. In verses 21-24 he says, “Wives, submit to yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Now, when I first read this, I remember thinking that it was insane. He’s telling me I have to let a man tell me what to do!? I was not ok with that. And let me tell you, God and I had words. Lots and lots of words. But I as I read on into the next few verses something became clear. In verses 25-28 Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” What I saw was this picture of submission wasn’t reliant on the man simply ruling over me. He had to submit too. Only his submission was to the Lord. God would be the one leading him and showing him the proper way to lead me. His lead would make me clean before the Lord meaning he would show me honor and respect. And there God would be showing this husband how to walk in the authentic masculinity he would need to be the head of the household.

When a man is walking in authentic masculinity; the aggressive protector, the warrior, the provider, the wild man after God, he is worthy of being submitted to. Because that is a man that can lead you. He can lead you in battle. He can lead you in life. And he can lead you in the Lord. He is capable and therefore all fear of submission starts to fade. You know he has you just like God has him. As authentic women we are called to submit. That concept has been skewed, twisted, and perverted. But when that wild, authentic man asks you to submit you can rest assured that you’ll be safe with him because he’s operating out of a place he was made to be in. Man was created outside the garden, in chaos, and then placed in Eden. He is made to be wild, bold, a fighter. He was made to have direct relationship with God and therefore made to lead. Submission to him comes from a place of trust that he is indeed following the lead of God. And that he is going to do so with respect and proper care. Submitting to this man also gives us women a covering we had only gotten from God. The one leading us prays for us, with us, shelters us, and stands between us and our enemies. That covering is freedom and it’s powerful. But we have to allow that. We have to give up our role as first in order to be properly protected and cared for. But when our husbands love us, honor us, and care for us as God intended, we’ll find that submitting is not only easy, its joyful! Submission becomes a natural response to loving leadership.

So, submission requires trust in God and in the relationship. Not just that they’ll follow Gods lead, but that they’ll be the man they need to be. But another aspect to submission comes into play when we look again at what Paul says. We also have a job to do to help our husbands in our own submission. Ephesians 5:33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” The man is to love his wife as he loves himself and as Christ loves the church. This verse is interesting because it doesn’t tell the wife to love her husband. It just says to respect him. The reason a wife doesn’t need to be told to love her husband is because if he is loving her correctly, she won't need to be told to love him. She just will. And in that she’ll submit to him. She‘ll willingly do it because she’ll know she is adored and taken care of. She’ll have confidence in his love for her and his willingness to treat her with honor. Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. So please understand ladies, we have a part to play in creating a safe place for submission. We need to make sure that our husbands feel like the man. That they have the room to be wild, dangerous, and authentically masculine. They need to be respected as part of their wellbeing. The more we do this for them, the more they’ll pour out the kind of love we need and the easier it’ll be for us to submit. I also think it’s important to mention that should he mess things up, because well, he‘s human after all, we don’t need to condemn him or belittle him for making a mistake. That’s where some of the respect comes in. We’re to give our opinions in a gentle, loving way, then go to the big man. God leads him remember? So, if we don’t agree, we go to God and let the Lord correct our husbands. That’s what it means for him to be led by God. We don’t need to be the ones telling him he’s wrong. As a matter of fact, that’s the last thing he needs from us! We need to trust that God will handle him and that he will listen to Gods correction. Our job is encouragement, love, respect, and to help edify him! We cannot tear him apart and expect to find a safe space for submission. So, I encourage you to walk in wisdom and remember the power of your words over your husband. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat it's fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21) Pray for him and trust that God will handle whatever part of his heart needs to be touched. And don’t stop submitting. We continue in our role with honor and grace, and allow God the space to deal with our husbands for us.

Over all it’s important to understand that submission is not a place to be ruled over. Rather it's a place of mutual trust, respect, and vulnerability. The dynamic gives us equal partnership in the relationship. We both have a part to play and both roles are important. Remember the Hebrew definition? Bringing near or drawing near. It’s not a master and servant picture, but rather lover and beloved. All of this is supposed to bring the husband and wife closer. Make them one, a team, a partnership. Just like Jesus and the church. Both partners submitted to God, both playing the role they were created for. When the husband is the head, we get the beautiful opportunity to be the helper. Both of partners marching towards the plans and purpose of God jointly, side by side. It brings a completeness and unity just like Jesus with his father. Woman was created inside the garden where there as peace and tranquility. There was no striving there. It gives us an understanding of our nature in God just like the location of men’s creation does. We were made to be the caretakers, the nurturers, the soft ones. The place our warriors can lay their heads down and find rest. A place we can stop fighting battles that don’t belong to us, and be gentle, feminine. And we were made out of the rib of a man after all. Created to help him in life, be his other half. We were made for him! In stepping into that role, we show a picture of what God is really like. Submission gives a closer look into the relationship Heaven portrays. And a greater picture of God himself. Man and woman, heaven and earth, Jesus and the church. Our relationship with our husbands is a small portrait of the creation story for all to see and behold. It shines with the glory of God when it's in the proper order. And it allows for freedom, purity, and validity for all involved. That’s a beautiful thing! And quite frankly an honor we shouldn't so easily dismiss!

So, I get it, submission is scary. And it feels so strange to call it a good thing. But ladies, we were made this way. And when we look at the biblical perspective of what it really is, it's not so bad, it’s not bad at all! As a matter of fact, there’s so much freedom in it! Submitting allows us to lay down a sword that’s too heavy for our hands. It lets us take off the armor that doesn’t fit us right. It gives us room to stop being warriors and start being the authentic women we were supposed to be. It takes the hardness off of our hearts and lets us be soft, compassionate, and feminine in the way we were intended to be. It’s freedom to be gentle instead of tough. Aren’t you tired of being so strong all the time and standing on your own? I know I was. It was a lonely place filled with battles not meant for me to fight. Even before a husband it's not supposed to be our job, its Gods. We weren’t made to do this life alone and we weren’t made to stand in this front-line position of battle. And maybe you’re thinking, “where’s the power in that?” But from my experience, I have more power stepping into the submissive role than I did trying to be the head of things. I have the power of Jesus in a new way, a stronger, more accessible way, because I let myself walk in authentic femininity! I've never felt more alive, more real, more at rest, or more genuine than when I took my place as second.

If you don’t have a husband like myself, then please take note this can all still be applied to you. We can begin to understand and practice submission with God as our husbands. We can still lay down the burdens of leading where we’re not supposed to and let God take the lead. He is the greatest love of our lives after all. And when we let him lead, we will always find rest. And he will teach us how things are supposed to look when our earthly husbands do come along! We can also practice with the leaders God puts over us in our churches. Our pastors and authorities can help us understand how to submit with respect and be loved in the right way. As well as how to do it all with grace for the imperfect people over us. I’m definitely not perfect at this. But I am trying. And as I learn I’m growing into someone I love being. Someone I was made to be. Which is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever given myself. Funny to think of submission as a gift, but ladies, it really is! I can honestly say, it’s one of the greatest things I've ever done for myself and for my life.