2020: The New Wineskin

This year changed me. It humbled me.

Id like to think I was never a woman of arrogance. But what I learned in this year was just how weak I am. Just how much I pretended to have it together. How little help I felt I needed from my God. I would often say I needed Him. But when it came to actually letting Him help, I'd keep Him at arms length and fight in the little strength I actually had. I ended up exhausted, damaged, and struggling. This year hit me with so many hardships, so much pain, that I had no choice but to surrender. I had to humble myself in a greater way and let God in places I was hiding from Him. I had to lay down my sword in battles I was scared to stop fighting and let Him war instead. I became acutely aware of my shortcomings and because of that was more aware of God's greatness. I'll admit that was a punch to the chest for a while. Feeling so out of control made me feel helpless and lost. Having no answers other than "wait" or "trust me" felt desolate and terrifying. I had to grow into the new understanding of God's sovereignty. I had to trust in ways I'd never been asked to before. It was hard. But I learned just how beautiful the rest is in His arms. I learned my weaknesses don't matter when He's so strong.

Dreams I once found so important became fantasies not worthy of attention. Suddenly my small world didn't seem so unfulfilled without all the glitter. I didn't need bigness to in fact be grand. The simplicity was in its self the most beautiful thing possible. I used to cry out for God to use me in grand ways. To take my small life and make it large so others would see His goodness and glory. But this year stopped my cries in realization that I was asking for my own greatness without realizing it. I finally saw that He doesn't need me to be grand to show others who He is. He just needed obedience. He just needs a vessel willing to shine in His love. And that the smallest life can indeed have the greatest impact. Humbled again.

This year made me thankful as much as it made me cry. As I watched my comforts slip away, my security become shaken, I found myself stripped to bones clinging to the robe of Jesus. And as I did, the trials were no longer anything but lessons to make me more like Him. And it turns out that's the greatest gift I could ever receive. Everything that was once so important suddenly became trivial and insignificant. Things I thought I needed, people, even coping mechanisms were shown to be either unhealthy or unnecessary. I was broken down to nothing and isolated with only my God. And in that place found everything I needed to be the woman God made me to be. I found relationship with Him that I'd never had before. And I found that what I'd searched for in others, in knowledge, even in myself was all in Him. He became my only and I became less. He became my only and everything else became worthless in comparison. I finally submitted to the suffering asked of me in order to know God as He wanted me to know Him. And that even if I'm asked to suffer longer, even if life always hurts, even if I continue to cry every day, God is still enough on His own. He, only He, is everything I need.

I got quieter. Less interested in the noise of my own voice and more concerned with what God was speaking. My priorities, my desires, my heart all changed as His words flowed into my life in a new way. I became less concerned with being heard and more concerned with showing love. The real kind that moves mountains and changes lives. I had this burning desire to scream the revelation He would bring me. To spread it around like glitter, sticking it to anything and everyone. HEAR ME, I'd cry! I just wanted everyone to know what I knew. To see what I'd seen. To save some from themselves and show them what God had been doing. Id get so discouraged when they wouldn't listen or I felt unheard. Didn't they want what God had? But this year showed me that screaming wasn't the answer. And it didn't matter who heard or how many got it. It only mattered if I said it. And that with God a whisper can go further than a shout. I stopped speaking the extra words. I stopped crying out to be heard. I learned to deliver the message when God said to and to be quiet the rest of the time. I learned that my voice didn't need to be on repeat. Once was enough. And sometimes silence is more powerful. I learned that even if I thought I needed to help 1000 people, God really was only concerned with the 1 who needed it. Suddenly I had less to say to fill the empty spaces and my desire to be heard and seen became irrelevant. I didn't need anyone to see me, I needed them to see Him. And sometimes that comes in my silence.

It made me appreciate what I have and lose taste for what I didn't. Suddenly being a woman in the dirt was full of all the glory I'd ever need. Even if its ugly, a little messy, and nothing that I expected, it's mine. Its beautiful. And it's a gift. My tiny house. My old car. My insignificant job. My wild kids. All of that added up to a life worth living. It didn't need to be sparkly or perfect. It didn't need to be clean and shiny all the time. This little life is my lot. God gave it to me to protect, to nurture, to steward over, and love. He blessed me with it. I didn't need more. I didn't need less. Its just as it should be for the time I've been given. Theres more love in this dirty little life of mine than most people can ever dream of. And I was taking it for granted. So concerned with what could be or what I wanted it to be that I ignored what was so generously placed in my hands. Humbled.

This year was hard. Really really really freaking hard. But I celebrate it because of who I became. I look back with kinder eyes on the struggles because of how it changed me. I see lessons and growth soaked in rivers of tears that needed to be shed. I wish the lessons would have come with less pain. I wish it hadn't of taken all of this for me to wake up and change. But I'm so grateful that God showed me the grace He did. I'm thankful I have a stronger appreciation for whats mine. I'm humbled that God would love me enough to use these trials to make me into this woman. This year tore me apart, but God put me back together in a brand new way. And I can only pray the changes lead to an even greater outpouring of love encounters with God, changed lives, and submitted hearts seeking a deeper revelation of the finished work of the cross.

It wasn't the year I wanted. But it turns out it was the year I needed.

Matthew 9:16-17 niv

16 “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse.17 Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”