Rage or Peace

Time and time again the battles I gave to God were won. Not just won, but packed with blessings, growth, and upgrades. I got better in areas I didn't even know I needed help. But every single battle was won.

The greatest test of my faith is when I'm literally standing in front of someone I know is trying to destroy me. I know I'm a good woman and I work really hard on being a good person. I genuinely do. I like being nice and I like being loving. So when I KNOW your intention is to hurt me, mess with my life, intentionally make me look bad, or mess with my kids.... I want to get fleshly real quick. Big time. And honestly, its probably justified. But in that moment, choosing to be a woman of God, I have to make a decision about how I'll respond. Will I go with my flesh and ruin you? Or trust that God, who promises to defend me, will make sure they don't succeed?

Now for most of my life I walked it out in the flesh. I let anger consume me and went for the throat bearing all my teeth. I wanted blood. I deserved blood. Don't mess with me. And while I successfully defended myself in most cases what I found was that victory cost me more than it was worth. What I did because of that, who i became because of that was.... dark, self destructive, and empty. Hard as a rock and full of rage. The anger never left. And time and time again having to defend myself to such a degree stacked up the anger until I felt nothing else. Only the rage and vengeance.

After I came back to God I started learning about how God defends us. His sovereignty in that defense and His faithfulness in it. I would read about things like God taking down Egypt and saving His people from captivity and the depths to which He fought for them astounded me. Slowly but surely I started giving my battles to God. I'd pray and ask Him to help me lay down my sword, that He would stop the wrongs coming against me. Every time I did the weight got a little lighter, the anger subsided a little more, and my heart started to soften up. And you want to know what happened with the attacks? Time and time again the battles I gave to God were won. Not just won, but packed with blessings, growth, and upgrades. I got better in areas I didn't even know I needed help. But every single battle was won. God has never, in all the years I've been back to Him, let me down. Its played out in my life over and over with added benefits every time. Every. Single. Time.

So I dont just believe God will defend me. I KNOW He will because He has proven year after year that He WILL. Ive seen Him do it. I've experienced it time and time again. I cant ignore or doubt that He is real, and He is fighting for me. The old me, the rage filled void, is gone. Dead. And as I've lived through the mercy and fathering of God I've become a version of myself that's good. Full of love and wisdom. Wanting to be kind and compassionate.

Peaceful, joyful, genuine. The woman I was trying so hard to be all along. The real me.... My heart is soft again and because of that the joy of life can surround me. Because of God I can have peace in front of my enemies. I don't have to let the wrong doings of others rip my heart open anymore. I don't have to fight anymore. I fought my whole life and with God I could finally find rest. Im free ♡

So I choose His way. My way doesn't work. My way destroyed me. But only Gods way made me better, healed, whole. So it might be hard to not choose my flesh. And I might struggle in that sometimes, I'm not perfect. But if experience tells me anything it's that God is way better at this than I am. And that He will always, ALWAYS come through.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let     the righteous be shaken. 23 But you, God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of decay; the bloodthirsty and deceitful will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you.

Psalm 55:22-23 (NIV)